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Will Beto O’Rourke Skate His Way To The Senate?


FOLKS IT’S AN EXCITING NIGHT. YOU KNOW THE MIDTERMS ARE LESS
THAN TWO MONTHS AWAY, AND ONE OF THE MOST CLOSELY WATCHED RACES
IS DOWN IN TEXAS AND FEATURES MY GUEST TONIGHT DEMOCRATIC SENATE
CANDIDATE, AND MAN WHO’S EITHER 20 OR 40, BETO O’ROURKE. HE’S RUNNING–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE’VE GOT SOME BETO-HEADS
TONIGHT. BETO IS RUNNING IN TEXAS AGAINST
INCUMBENT SENATOR AND MAN WHOSE CAMPAIGN STAFF IS PROBABLY
WATCHING THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW, TED CRUZ. AND IT’S CLOSE, WHICH IS SCARING
REPUBLICANS. SO EARLIER THIS SUMMER, IN ORDER
TO SAVE THE CRUZ CAMPAIGN, TEXAS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR DAN PATRICK
SHOWED UP IN WASHINGTON TO DELIVER AN URGENT PLEA TO WHITE
HOUSE OFFICIALS: SEND PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP. YOU KNOW IT’S BAD WHEN YOU NEED
BACKUP FROM A MAN WITH A 36% APPROVAL RATING. THEIR BACKUP PLAN IS A CELEBRITY
ENDORSEMENT FROM THE HERPES VIRUS. ( LAUGHTER )
HERE’S HOW– HERE’S HOW SCARED TED CRUZ IS OF BETO O’ROURKE:
HE BOUGHT ADS ON MY SHOW TONIGHT TO COUNTER HIS INTERVIEW. I ASSUME– I ASSUME IT’S FOR HIS
CAMPAIGN AND NOT FOR HIS PATENTED LINE OF REPTILE
MOISTURIZERS, CRUZ’S OOZES. ( LAUGHTER )
“NO MORE DRY LEG, JOHNNY IGUANA!”
>>Jon: WOW!>>Stephen: AND HE DOES SEEM–
CRUZ DOES SEEM MOIST ALL TIME. AND THE TEXAS G.O.P. HAS BEEN
LAUNCHING PERSONAL ATTACKS ON O’ROURKE, LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO,
WHEN THEY TWEETED, “MAYBE BETO CAN’T DEBATE TED CRUZ BECAUSE HE
ALREADY HAD PLANS,” ALONGSIDE THIS PHOTO OF BETO FROM HIS PUNK
ROCK DAYS. YES, HIS PLANS WERE BEING
SMOKING HOT IN A NAUGHTY BUT APPROACHABLE SORT OF WAY, LIKE
YOUR BEST FRIEND’S OLDER BROTHER WHO SMELLS LIKE WEED AND LISTENS
TO RADIOHEAD. READ US YOUR POEMS, BETO! ( LAUGHTER )
PEOPLE ONLINE SEEMED TO LIKE THE FACT THAT BETO WAS IN A COOL
PUNK BAND AND POINTED OUT THAT TED CRUZ PLAYED ADAM IN A MIME
PERFORMANCE OF THE CHRISTIAN CREATION STORY WHEN HE WAS
IN HIGH SCHOOL. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEY INCLUDED THIS PICTURE. ( LAUGHTER )
HOW DO YOU DO A MIME PERFORMANCE OF THE CREATION STORY? “IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED
THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH, AND GOD SAID… NOTHING, FOR HE WAS
TRAPPED IN AN INVISIBLE BOX.” ( LAUGHTER )
THE G.O.P. TRIED AGAIN BY TWEETING OUT THIS MUG SHOT OF
HIS DRUNK DRIVING ARREST 20 YEARS AGO. NOW, THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR DRUNK
DRIVING, AND BETO HAS APOLOGIZED. BUT POSTING THIS MUG SHOT
BACKFIRED ON THE G.O.P., AS SOME PEOPLE RESPONDED WITH
TWEETS LIKE “WHY’D THEY TWEET THIS PHOTO OF BETO LOOKING HOT
AS (BLEEP),” AND “BETO SLIDE INTO MY D.M.’S THO,” AND “I JUST
ACCIDENTALLY REFERRED TO BETO O’ROURKE AS ‘DADDY BETO’ IN
FRONT OF MY ACTUAL FATHER, AND HE IS VERY CONFUSED AND
CONCERNED.” ( LAUGHTER )
ALL OF THIS EXPLAINS BETO’S NEW CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, “BETO FOR
SENATE: GET THIRSTY FOR THIS HOT ZADDY TO BEAT IT UP.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN– NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS. I HAVE NO– NO IDEA WHAT THAT
MEANS.>>Jon: YOU DON’T KNOW?>>Stephen: NO IDEA. THEN, TED CRUZ LAUNCHED A NEW
LINE OF ATTACK AGAINST BETO WITH THIS AD:
>>BETO O’ROURKE WANTS TO BE A SENATOR
>>(BLEEP) THAT!>>SO, HE’S SHOWING UP ACROSS
TEXAS, SHARING HIS WIT.>>HOW (BLEEP) UP IS THAT?>>HIS WISDOM.>>WHAT THE (BLEEP) ARE THESE
GUYS DOING?>>AND HIS CHARACTER.>>I REALLY (BLEEP) UP.>>BETO O’ROURKE: HE’S SHOWING
THE (BLEEP) UP.>>Stephen: YEAH, OKAY,
REMEMBER THAT. BETO IS A DIRTY-MINDED POTTY
MOUTH. YOU MUST PROTECT THE VALUES OF
TEXAS, AND VOTE FOR THE MAN WHO LIKES THREESOME PORN ON TWITTER. I’LL BE TALKING ABOUT ALL OF
THIS LATER WITH BAD BOY BETO O’ROURKE HIMSELF. AS LONG AS HE SHOWS THE (BLEEP)
UP.

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