– Alright, so any other ideas that we’ll probably actually do? – Speed skating. Heard of it? – The person who won it last ended up on a a stamp? – That’s it. The man. The myth. The legend. The real miracle on ice. Steven Bradbury. – Wait, what’s the plan? You’re gonna be… – Speed skating. – How ——- hard could that —- be? – Speed skating is a quote unquote sport that features a bunch of lycra-clad idiots wearing bike helmets and speed dealers, skating in a circle. Born out of the 1712 opium crisis, when ice sprinting deals were the Menulog of the drug world, it is dominated by the Dutch, the Koreans, and anybody else who doesn’t fall over like a lemming. We’ve been looking at a couple of different winter sports. Looked at speed skating. There’s kids here, and they’re nailing it. I’m pretty confident we can take people who were born after 2010. – They’ve been training for a long time, and they’re pretty flexible in their thinking. Five year olds can do anything. – What’s our best case outcome? – One of you won’t come last… – Are there any, like, horror stories that have come from the ice? – One of our first Olympic medalists, many years before actually, fell over and had his skate go up his… up his butt. – What?!!
– He was pooing in a bag for months afterwards. – WHAT!!! – You don’t joke about that kinda thing… – Nope. You don’t. – He could’ve died. – That’s pretty much all we needed to know. – Look at these kids. – That is mental. – What do you reckon the proportion of “people who don’t get maimed” is? – I think everyone’s been cut… But it’s much safe these days with cut-proof suits. – Yeah, there’s cut-proof suits now. We don’t have cut-proof suits. Oh my god. Oh, ok. – Are you ok?
– First time? – No, not ok at all. I’m doing it, Rig! You are all infants. We’re much bigger than you. Ok? Just want you to know that. – So that means you beat them, yeah? – Yes!
– Ok. Alright. – No, no, no, no, no… – Ready… Go! – Oh, yes! Oh my god! Why are we doing this? – Whoa, —-! – Oh, —- off! Oh my god, these kids! Did you just ——- lap me? – Those kids…
– Far out. – I got lapped in the space of about 20 seconds. Just, these kids man… 2 Fast 2 Korean, starring Vin Diesel. – Look at this! Look at this —-. – That is like some Exorcist style stuff. – What’s your name? You’re very fast. How long you been skating? – 2 years. – Yeah? Do you think, in 2 years time, I’ll be as fast as you? – Yes! – You’re my new coach. – Do you guys wanna go to the Olympics? – Yeah! – We’re going to the Olympics in 2 weeks. – Really. – But we’re not competing. – We’re definitely not skating. – How long have you been skating for? – 10… 20 minutes.
– Yep. – Pretty good for 10 minutes. – Sweet!
– A ringing endorsement! – Thanks, coach!
– That’s great! – Well done, guys. Thank you. – Thank you. Thanks, guys. – He’s loving it. Just smack him! Oh my god! – Ok, you can be our assistant coach.
– He could do this all day. He could be our hype man. – Yeah! – How hard can it be? Speed skating? – Brutally tough.
– It is very tough. – I picked up about 2 kilometres an hour worth of speed… I hope you guys are used to taking photos with losers. – And I beat you backwards! – Oh my god…
– Yeah, awesome, thank you. That’s what I needed to hear. “PS, I beat you skating backwards”. – Yeah, “Keep your chin up, but that chin is shit”.